There is a reason you clicked this page. You may be questioning and judging my intentions with this post. Though this post is completely meant to be satire, these are things that I have encountered in my career in high school classrooms. Many of these seem to be controversial and are meant to spark discussion. With that preface, let’s get into it. If you don’t want your students to learn, follow these tips. The more you follow, the more failure you will see in your classroom. All these tips fall under two rules:
Rule #1: If it inconveniences me, it shall not be done.
- Significantly limit your availability:
- Students should only get a small window outside of class to meet up with you outside of class to receive help. If your schedule does not allow you much time after school, offer no class time devoted to student help.
- Do not accept missing and late work:
- Your standards include responsibility and accountability. This of course is just as important as the actual curriculum.
- Do not emotionally attached:
- The whole plan actually works better if you pretend that the students are not people. Do not engage with them at all. Everyone in the classroom is there because they have to be. Just give them the work and let them be.
- Grade for Completion:
- It’s just high school. Kids don’t really need to know this stuff. They just need to comply. Don’t spend your precious and valuable time grading for accuracy. My multiple choice test will do that.
- Don’t teach:
- They have Google don’t they? Let them use their phones to look up the information. Just chill and collect that check.
- Update the grades occasionally:
- Look, you have a life. Get to it when you get to it. Whenever your grades are due, that is the best time to let parents and students know if they are failing your course. Surprise them often. This keeps them on their toes.
- Do not contact the parents:
- At all. Wait for them to contact you. This actually gives you leverage in whatever is being discussed.
Rule #2: Deny anything is broken and stick to it.
- Stick to classical instructional models:
- Every class period (and I mean every) should follow the same format. Read a Presentation (optional), have them take notes (optional), and then give them a worksheet (also optional). That’s it. Do not stray from this model. Stick to it every day.
- Avoid Reflection:
- It’s never you. You are always doing great. No one does it greater. There’s nothing to improve. If anyone is failing, it is clearly their own laziness and apathy. It’s not your job to increase engagement.
- Grade Classically and Stick to Those Deadlines:
- Do not get creative with complex grading systems. If you give a three-question quiz, and the student got one right please place a 33% in the gradebook. Better yet, if they miss all of them, give them the zero. I can’t think of a better way to motivate students than by taking away their chance to pass the class as early as possible.
What do you think about these steps? What other steps do you believe belong on this list? Comment your thoughts below the post!
Want more classroom tips? Check out the Teaching and Learning section of my blog here!
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